Marriage ~ a story passed on ~

Married or not… you should read this.

Marriage.

“When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband….

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.

So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

Noise

The world is FULL of it!  I know many who, walking into the house carrying groceries, will go and turn the TV on before setting the bags down!   


When was the last time that you sat in silence?  In the car we listen to talk radio, at work we have noise of one kind or another all around us, at home the TV, kids, phone, etc etc are always vying for attention.  


Practice some silence today ~ solitude.  Teach your children young that it is good to know silence.  I'm sure some of you think right now that this is totally crazy!.  I don't think so.   start with 5 minutes, sitting in a chair quietly do nothing.... Want to know how to stretch your time?  Try this exercise! 5 minutes can actually feel quite long!


It is good for children to be silent.  Years ago we used to hear "children should be seen and not heard".  While we live in a different time and society today I do believe there is something to this saying.  Children need to learn how to sit still, be quiet, wait their turn etc etc without having a melt down...The idea is to start young.    


Practice today with sitting with your children at the dinner table with a timer on for 3 mins.  Try it every day for a week or 2 then lengthen it.   


Last winter one of my granddaughters came to spend the night and go to church with me.  On the way home from the service I asked her if she would like to go to Friendlies or eat at home.  She immediately said the restaurant.  Within a few minutes she said "Grandbabe, do you think we could just go home and eat?"  I quickly agreed and as I was making some soup and a sandwich she quietly gathered books and sat down by the wood stove and read for hours!  I realized that being the oldest of 4 little ones she needed quiet and it did not take her very long to realize that was what she wanted and needed!   Good for her!! 


Try it!  You might like it!!


Blessings!
 

The Beginning of Discipline

I was with a young mom a while back  who had a baby around 6 months old.  She told how she had to discipline her little one because he kept crawling over and chewing on the wires near some electronics.


Parents, babies at this age do not need this kind of discipline.  Our job is to keep our babies safe and we need to know exactly where they are and what they are doing at all times.  (Where have all the playpens gone???)
At this early age the child does not get the concept of right or wrong.   He is learning, exploring, tasting and grabbing anything within reach. This is totally normal.
I will say that at this age and a little older you may experience them begin to struggle when you are trying to diaper them. They wiggle and turn and make it almost impossible to do the job.  An "attention getting" tap on the bum and a firm 'No" is usually all that it takes and they are able to learn about not fighting you.  This is also a time when you might begin to see/hear the beginning of a temper flair up when they are not getting the attention that they want.


When you have done your job and the child is warm, fed, clean etc etc allow them to "voice their opinion" now and then....These lung workouts never hurt them and many times it is what they need to unwind and fall asleep.   All within reason my friend.  This is certainly not a license to never have to hold your baby or a reason to shake them out of anger.  If you feel you are "losing" it  get some help and some sleep.  Your patience and actions will be much better when you have taken care of yourself.


This too will pass dear friend and he/she will be wanting to use the car before you know it!


Blessings!

Nicknames

Do you have nicknames for your children?


My dad was big on giving everyone a second name.  Each of my children had at least one.  


At Cousin Camp this year we were talking about having nick-names and we thought of one for our youngest camper.  It was going to be "Loser".  He lost everything!! Shoes, hat, drink etc etc etc.  We laughed about it but never used it because of the connotation.  Even though our intention was ok the word itself would not have been kind. 


I had friends along time ago that called their children "Brat"   I have heard "little devil" and "stupid"


Think about what you call your children.   If you want to have a family nickname think it through as it will be something that they hear over and over.


In the movie "The Help",  a Negro maid/nanny took the little girl aside daily and said the same thing over and over:  
"You is kind, You is smart, You is important".  
  
I love that~over and over each day...until they believe it themselves!


Same to you my friend!

Schedules

I've probably written about this before but I believe it demands repeating.


Children LOVE schedules.    They love repetition, regime and  tradition.   You will hear them as they get a little older.  "We ALWAYS do_____________  ."


You do yourself a favor in those first years especially when you get the family on a schedule.   
Up at     a.m.
breakfast  (have the children sit at the table and do not let them get down until breakfast is done..this should be the regime of all meals)
Daily Habits  (bathroom stuff)
rooms  make beds and pick up
Take laundry to the laundry room (throw in a load)
Think about what you will have for dinner and take it out of the freezer etc.
Clean up the kitchen
spend some one on one time with the children
lunch
clean up and read a book
nap/ quiet time for ALL preschoolers
wake up,  have a healthy snack  (we ALWAYS  had a fruit and a piece of candy)
play out side if possible
begin dinner while children are playing
set the table  (children can help) train them early
ALL eat together   (This is a good time to begin slowly asking the kids about their days.  Even the youngest will appreciate being singled out to answer a question)
clear table, children helping  sweep under, wipe trays etc
kitchen (get it out of the way) 
ready the children for bed....
A preschooler should be in bed by 7-7:30    They need their sleep    
Take time to clean them up  teeth, bath or wash up,  Read a book or two and tuck them in bed after bathroom etc
This is a great chore for Dad to do at the end of the day while you are cleaning up after dinner.  It gives him quality time and a chance to pray with them before bed.


Don't fly by the seat of your pants any longer.....schedule...things will go much smoother and easier


Blessings!



   

Another Boo-boo

I had a daughter who, when she was small, we called the Boo Boo Queen of America!
It would happen at interesting times during the day...but especially evening and more specifically after she had been tucked into bed.    You could almost time her....5 mins, maybe 10 here she would come, whimpering and holding some part of her body that was either feeling like it was going to fall off or in the need of emergency surgery.


Today in church a young family sat in front of me,  the little girl, perhaps 3 ish, hurt her leg somehow.  I did not see anything happen but her little face began to scrunch up and she began to whimper.   Her mom looked at her, listened for a moment, then bent down to rub her leg  for a few seconds.   Having done this she then went back into worship.   The little one was not satisfied and began to get her moms attention  again.  Her mom did the same thing.   On the 3rd time, the mom sat down beside her, took her little leg in her hand and rubbed it for a minute or so.  AHHHHH relief set in.  Satisfaction met.  Her little face changed and she was instantly better.  
The miracle cure?  Attention...one on one.
Many times we prolong the issues of our children because we don't stop for a minute and take time to listen and attend to their needs.   Parent~ you can save yourself alot of time and energy if you will respond correctly the first time because believe me, and you've seen it yourself, they do not give up easily!


Blessings on you as you walk the path of parenthood.  May you succeed and raise happy, well adjusted children!

Punishment

"Fred is going to be bummed to find out that he cannot play video games tonite until the kids are in bed."  
"Why?"
"Well Jeremy lost privileges and it would not be fair for him to see his dad playing when he can't."


WHO says so????  
Why do we feel like everyone needs to be punished because someone chose to disobey?  
This summer during our Cousin Camp one of the cousins did not come when called.  This is the 2nd rule of Cousin Camp : You must come when called the first time.  It is the only rule that can break the First Rule  which is:  Ice Cream EVERYDAY!
As we stood in line at the ice cream stand  everyone made their choices and took their cones to the picnic table.  She did not.  Nothing was said.  
We ate, 
she waited.  
THE END   and you know what??


It WAS the end!  
It never happened again!
Stick with what you say parents! Follow through.  Don't let your child hold you hostage in any way shape or form.  It's called discipline and it is how they learn!