Long but Worth the Read

A few weeks ago I wrote on "Attitude"   A reader wrote back to share some of  what she had been learning in the "parenting realm"   I am going to send it along, with permission, because it is very sound and I believe you will find it helpful.  Read it and then read it again


Blessings!   Please send any feedback ~

In regards to this subject, I'd like to share something that has been such a breakthrough for me with my now 7 year old.

 

About 3 years ago I started out on this amazing journey where God taught me so many wonderful things through different people, books ("Loving your kids on purpose" by Danny Silk - highly recommended!) and talking directly to me as I sought his face.

 

My strong headed then 4 year old would get frustrated, show an ugly attitude, and constantly test her limits. I tried everything, from talking for hours, to losing favorite privileges, to spankings, you name it, I did it, consistently... (my husband and I were on the same page and he is very involved in teaching and disciplining our children). After about a year of frustration, where nothing seemed to work, the Lord showed me (several times in a short period of time, just like He does when He really wants to get my attention), that I was focusing on correcting behavior only, instead of focusing on understanding the root of the bad behavior and fixing it. It took time, patience, and lavishing love, to get my little sweetheart to open up her heart to me and let me know what was causing her to react that way. It turns out she was mad at me, she felt disconnected. It took a while for me to realize this, but the Lord showed me that I had to reassure her of my love for her, not only with my words but more importantly with my actions during difficult times. I'm Ecuadorian, our Latin blood makes us very affectionate. There's never been a shortage of hugs, kisses, cuddling, loving, chatting, but somehow my level of stress and frustration while disciplining her were speaking louder than my love for her. The Lord coached me through this process of healing her little heart and reconnecting. These are some of the things that we implemented in our home, if you don't mind me sharing:

• First of all, there continued to be consequences for every action and we made that clear. We always tell them to THINK in spite of their disappointment, anger, frustration, and make the right choices. "Good choices, good consequences; bad choices, bad consequences" is a phrase that you'd hear daily in our home.
• We prayed for wisdom and patience and lavished her with love, even more so when she got frustrated. We would show empathy ("Sorry you're feeling frustrated, there's no need to stump your feet. Come here, what's going on?"), encourage her to talk about it, to say (respectfully) why she was frustrated, and we would walk her through her emotions. It wasn't easy, it was time consuming, it was exhausting, sometimes it looked like it would never work, but the mix of lavishing love and consistency in consequences made it possible!
• We really try hard not to raise our voices, but treat situations in a business like manner: Not taking it personally, just following through without getting our emotions involved (easier said than done, but we try...). And when we loose our temper, we apologize for it, and coach them in recognizing what they did and how they should apologize as well. We always finish every 'session' with a hug and kiss.
• I picked a few reassuring phrases and repeated them to her constantly throughout the day, sometimes without an apparent reason:
  * I would come up behind her when she wasn't expecting it, and I'd sweep her up in my arms or tickle her and then hold her, look at her in the eyes, and say: "I ALWAYS love you! I love you when you are happy, I love you when you are sad, I love you when you are obedient, I love you when you are disobedient, I love you when you are excited, I love you when you are mad. I will ALWAYS love you!" I made sure she understood that my love for her does not diminish no matter what she does. BUT that there are consequences for her actions, like in real life.  I'd repeat this phrase to her when cooking, when doing laundry, when playing, several times a day.
  * When she'd say: I'm moving out! (that was one of her big things), I'd say, with a smile on my face: "Oh baby! I can't let you do that! We're family, and families stick together through the happy and rough times! We could never let you go!" And tried to keep and upbeat loving but firm attitude. If she started to get disrespectful I'd remind her about thinking her actions, and about the good choice/bad choice concept, and I'd follow through.
  * I'd make it a point to give her undivided one on one attention for 5 or 10 min. a day. It worked wonders.
  * I'd cheer her up and celebrate with her with every little one of her victories! Not only with words, but lavishing her with physical affection.  There's something special about making a child laugh. Tickling our kids is a daily bonding affair in our home.

My girl now is a different person.  Obedient, respectful, thoughtful.  It usually takes only a short conversation or talk to have her come back to a good place and make the right choices, and if not, the consequences are still applied. 

 

I'm SO THANKFUL that our Father loves us unconditionally!, and that's the kind of love that we want to show our kids. When our kids feel loved unconditionally, it's easier for them to trust our judgment and listen to what we have to say. We could always force it out on them, but that will only go so far with this generation of independent thinking minds.  When the matters of the heart are addressed, the behavior changes. A good balance of unconditional love, respect in spite of their little size and young mind, and consistent consequences (both good and bad), will really make a difference in their lives. Addressing the heart, is the goal in our home discipline. We are still on this road of discovery and learning, and I can't wait to see where God leads us!